Jesus Teases

The end is near, it is incessantly insisted, but for the impeding end itself it appears there is no end in sight. Since the first epileptic ever declared himself vessel of the Highest authority, we mere mortals have been imposed upon by the prospect of some ultimate ethical debt collection. The prediction of rapture is as timeless as the cavernous nothing that would presumably follow it. Every decade or so, it seems, some charlatan or another steps boldly forward into the public square to assert that the cosmic audit will soon be upon us. And to think only yesterday they were asking had we heard the good news.

While over three quarters of the United States professedly adheres to some form of Christianity, there are few among us who do not at that point set our timers gleefully to the coming and going of the portentous date without incident. The claims of these frauds tend to draw sneers from even the more serious and ardent religionists. But on what basis do they doubt? The slobbering harbingers of the end-time have made no fundamental misinterpretation. A promise was made. The messiah would return, He assured us, and soon! But to no avail. Nearly two-thousand years later, one is entitled to wonder: why must Jesus tease us?

Wonder away, but for those true keepers of the faith the question must be put: on what authority are such claims denied? For those who keep but one book, what but the following day can disprove each alleged Armageddon? Ah, but there is hope yet. The bible warns against precise predictions, (clever, no?) and to beware of false prophets. Inconveniently, we are likewise assured eternal damnation awaits us should we be so incredulous as to deny the true prophet upon his undisclosed and apparently vague arrival.

So there we have it: a sort of blind tasting, as it were, in which a drink must be taken. Before us is arranged the vast row of goblets. In one we are told lies salvation; an eternity of praise and groveling (Mmmmmm). In all others: endless torture and hellfire and the evisceration of your mortal soul. Choose wisely. Go on then, drink up! And hurry, the boss will be here any minute…

But remember, this offer is made out of love! All we need do is accept it and the punishment can be avoided! And those who refuse it, well, do they not somewhat deserve what is coming?

This is the language of an abuse victim. He’s hurting you. I’m telling you as a friend: you should leave Him.